I was not always Ok — I am now.

Just a gorgeous view from Montana

I want to start by saying that I am OK. I have to apologize in advance. I skipped around a bit writing this story, and this part of my story is not great, but it is mine, and I am ready to share it.

Many years ago, my husband went through probably one of the worst times of his life. It is his story, so I won’t share the details, but I will tell you that the horrific things that he had to endure as a child and the stress of dealing with difficulties as an adult with a child on the way caused him to make some bad decisions. I was young and didn’t do everything right, but I did stick with him through this very difficult time. I gave him an ultimatum, and I told him that if he did not go to therapy and take care of these issues, I would never stop him from seeing his child, but I would not be able to stay with him. I am more than happy to say that he is an incredible husband and father, this is my opinion. I think perhaps the reason for my saying this may become clear later.

So, we went on to raise our son and welcome another son a few years later. We had difficulties just like all the other human beings on the planet, and we got through them. I will say my husband is an incredible man. He is also an emotional man. Many times this makes him sympathetic to myself and other people’s issues, which is very kind, but he also feels anger very strongly. He typically does not act on this anger however, if you hurt someone he loves, then you will hear about it.

This gets to the part of the story that is very difficult to say, but I think it is important because life is really hard, and things don’t always go the way you expect. When you work really hard and think that you are going to get benefits from your hard work, and it does not work out the way you hoped, it can be heartbreaking.

Six years ago, our oldest son got married to a girl that we just absolutely adored. We knew that she came with baggage (who doesn’t) and we loved her like our own. We did not always do the right thing with her as we didn’t know how to address certain issues, but we tried hard. Three grandchildren were born in succession, and we were able to share some experiences with them. Our interactions were limited due to everything, but things became confusing and disorienting when things got terrible.

The details are horrible; it should be left at that. I will just say that we were eventually cut off from our children and grandchildren. We did not do horrible things. We made mistakes, and we apologized. We tried to do better, but nothing worked.

Our younger son moved out a few years after our older son was married. Both of them moved out when they were 18. We continue to offer financial support and whatever kind of help they asked for. We kept our opinions to ourselves as best as possible, and we tried very hard not to interfere or interject our thoughts. To be completely honest, we like our kids, and there were very few things they did that needed adjustment, at least we thought. We have always thought the best of them and admired how thoughtful, kind, and considerate they were.

Our younger son was born with several things that he now says are not real. I took him to the Children’s Hospital in San Francisco to receive an expert’s diagnosis, so I believe that those things are true. I added this to the story to explain, he is Neurodiverse, even if he does not agree. I have always put this lens on when considering his actions.

That said, both of our children, at one point, told my husband that I was a bad person. My husband was angry about this but tried his best to reason with them. Sometime after sharing these thoughts, our younger son said he had been caught up in strong emotions, and he realized it was an overreaction to a difficult living situation. What a great kid! He owned up to his hurtful comments, and for a little while, we enjoyed a relationship.

I started to reach out again just to say hello. I would send a text message with the general, “How are you doing?” or “Hope you are having a great day.” No response. So I tried again. I did this a few times until my husband reached out and asked if there was something going on. He was told there was not, and everything was fine.

After that, I again reached out to say hello and ask how things were going. No response. I sent another few messages and tried to reach out every two weeks for about two months with no response. My husband interjected again, asking if there was anything wrong, and received a negative response this time. I was accused of being dramatic. I never used dramatic words or purposely tried to interfere, probe, or ask unwanted questions; I just said, “Hello” and “How are you?”

During this time, I was traveling for work and needed a place to stay close to a job that I had. I asked the family member who lives with my son if it was OK if I stayed there and asked my son if it was OK as well so that I wouldn’t cause any problems. I was only there for a few hours. I worked all day and just came back to the house to sleep. I was there two nights. My family member and I get along just fine with no issues. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, either. I was sleeping on the sofa in the living room and my son had a very negative response when he saw me.

Another thing that I should mention is a few years ago I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and panic attacks. I have been getting these panic attacks throughout my life, but they were never horrible. They were just kind of bad and I only got them every six months to a year. They usually lasted only a few minutes. They were manageable.

When the first bad stuff started happening with my older son and grandchildren I started getting them on a very regular basis. That was basically the time when I started therapy and realized that there was a problem and this diagnosis really helped me figure out what was going on. The fact that I had medication to help with them was a relief.

OK, so back to staying on the sofa, when my son had a really bad reaction. I had a panic attack and texted the other family member (whose house it was) that I needed to leave because I didn’t want to cause any problems.

He said he understood, he didn’t think it was a problem, but it was a positive conversation. I had to leave because this particular panic attack was stronger and worse than any that I have ever had in my whole life. So I grabbed my keys and went to my car. I left the house and drove to a random parking lot and just completely lost it. I didn’t exactly know what I wanted to do. The panic attack got so bad that I put a plan together to end my life.

I thought about it for a while, as I had learned to practice mindfulness and knew that feelings sometimes just need to be felt. I tried to sit with it, but it just kept getting worse. I decided what I wanted to do and I started to feel really calm. It just seemed like the right thing to do. It was gonna take me a little bit of time to get what I needed. I went to In-N-Out Burger because it was close and I ordered some fries. I was not hungry but needed somewhere to sit and think.

Side note: One of the things about me is my face is a complete giveaway of how I feel. I cannot hide my emotions and I’m OK with that actually this particular instance I think it saved my life.

In-N-Out Burger was not that busy. I brought in a notepad and pen because I thought I would write. I wrote about nothing. I think it was nothing but whatever I wrote was distracting enough for the moment. I had to figure out what I was going to do.

So, I sat down at a table that was within eye shot of the counter. The fries took kind of a long time. I didn’t really recognize this at the time.

There was a very tall man that walked up to me. He looked at me. I had never seen him before. I had gone to this particular location many times, so I did not know everyone, but I recognized some employees. The man said he noticed me sitting there for a long time without receiving my food. He was the one that had taken my order so he knew I had only ordered fries. He confirmed that was all I had ordered. When I said it was, he said, “That’s what I thought,” and seemed to be visually agitated. I thought this was kind of strange because there were enough people in the restaurant to not be noticed yet here is this man I had never seen before standing next to me getting angry that I hadn’t got my fries.

I told him it was no big deal. He said, “No, it is a big deal,” and went to get my fries. He apologized and asked if I wanted anything else. To this day, I can not remember this without tears.

He saved my life. I thought if this man who does not know me, can get mad, that I don’t have my fries. How can I even consider causing pain to my husband and family members? They did love me. I know this makes no sense but at the time, it did.

So I drove to a rest stop and slept in my car. I woke up the next day, determined that things would be better. I went to work. I tried to figure out whether or not I should tell my husband because I knew this would be something that would be very hard for him to hear.

I kept it to myself until I was calmer, felt better, and time had passed. It went pretty well telling him, and although he was concerned, I promised him that if I ever had those intense feelings again, I would definitely call and talk to him.

A few months later, I stopped sending texts to my son. I didn’t want to give up, but I thought my son was going through something or did not want to talk to me. He was not responsible for how I felt or what I was going through so I tried to remain consistent without being pushy or making about me.

My in-laws gave me a gift to give to my younger son because they thought he might get overlooked sometime because he was quiet. They really loved him and wanted to give him a gift. It was a very nice gift too.

They gave it to me because they didn’t have his address and we had just met for dinner. I went ahead and texted my son that I had something for him from his grandparents, and he said that I could drop it off. This was the only time he responded to my message. A few days later, I went over to the house to drop it off.

I was speaking with one of my relatives at the house when my son got home. He reacted badly. I told him I had slipped the gift card under his bedroom door. He asked, “You put it under my bed?” in an accusing tone. I clarified that I had not gone into his room. I just slipped it under his door. He said, “OK,” and left abruptly. I left shortly after, and wouldn’t you know, one of those nasty panic attacks came on just as strong as that other one.

I took a deep breath tried to feel the strong emotions and let them pass but it wasn’t working. I called my husband and told him that I was having a really bad panic attack and feared where it was headed. I told him my son hadn’t done anything wrong or malicious but I just felt really horrible about the exchange.

He reached out to my son trying to figure out what was going on. My husband was angry and my son was agitated, I am sure. He changed his number and cut off all contact with us.

I am not gonna lie. Just having someone on my side this time helped me not get so desperate. If I could have handled it another way, I would have. This was the first time, I reached out for help when I needed it. I think that was the part that actually felt better.

I have not spoken to either of my sons, daughter-in-law, or my grandchildren for a year. I hate it.

When this first happened, I needed external validation. My sister, my sister-in-law, her children, her husband, my mother-in-law they all have told me that this is not my fault and this really helped. I did not bring up the subject with them. They saw it themselves.

My husband and I did not say anything (to anyone else) for a long time but eventually we spoke about it. For me, this is where things can get really tricky. It is ok to get the help/validation/support from the people you trust. This has been one of the most important lessons I have learned.

Everybody has a story. I don’t know if this can actually help anybody else, but I want to say, it gets really dark and you really never know who’s gonna step in and help you when you need it. Try really hard not to give up, if you can. Go to therapy, if possible, confide and tell your story to people that you trust. If you don’t have people that you trust, reach out however you can! Hey, you can even reach out to me if you want! I like People. Just don’t give up, it can always get better.